ayeee first blog post!! today i got a tattoo, yay!! i got it right in the middle of my chest, i was gonna get it on my side but yknow, plans change. the artist was really nice!! after that i got a helix, the place was shady but i got it anyways, i think its crooked.... whatever, it was $25 bucks. i wanted three straight spikes in a row though, so i guess i'll retry on my other ear and just put a ring in this one. after that we went to a couple shops, i ended up getting two blue lock keychain gachapons, i got bachira (ew) and hiori. i think i'll give the bachira to my friend.

i asked [redacted] if he wants to hook up the other day, not cause im dying to see him or anything, i just kinda really have a crush on [redacted] and i need a way to express the arousal i feel for him. i really, really, REALLY dont wanna have a crush on this guy because he intimidates me but also i dont wanna have a crush right now thats really inconvenient!! and he for sure no mistaking it does not like me and will never develop feelings for me. ever. i hate crushes they make me feel weird and act stupid. reading this back this entry sounds really immature, but i am 18 so i'll let it slide.

speaking of hook ups i checked my fetlife because its been a while and SOMEONE PM'ED ME!! 9 DAYS AGO!! prepositioning me and it sounded reaaaaally hot and he was kinda just my type, but idk if he got cold feet or thought i was rejecting him by not responding (i was not i just didnt know i got messaged) but his account is gone!! which means either he blocked me or deleted his shit. either way im fucking devastated

im ready to like, have a boyfriend though. i havent dated anyone since junior year of highschool, and im about to be a junior in college. it could be a lot of things but i definetly think/know i come off too strong. if life has taught me one thing its that only girls who are pushovers get boyfriends. not really, but like, yknow. speaking of boyfriends, since my bsf got one i peeped she hasnt been texting me. she really only texts when i text first. she said she didnt wanna become a "boyfriend girl" but she lowkey is. whatever, i guess thats how things are sometimes. your bsf gets a boyfriend at her school and spends all her time with him while your hooking up with guys 5 years your senior. which i LOVE but i kinda want a relationship so i can have someone whos there for me. no ones reaally there for me, people pretend theyre there for me but at the end of the day theres no one on earth who prevents me from killing myself. at least a couple months ago i couldve stayed alive for my kitty but shes dead now, and so is my puppy. i think she got taken away from me as a punishment, because i love people more than they love me. and that makes me said but at least i learned my lesson. this is getting long. who the hell's gonna read all this? okay im done.

yesterday i went to work, it was pretty good. i think i'll get the permanent position but i dont wanna jinx it. [redacted] was working too, i was so excited to see him (not the guy from my last post, a different one). i hope he didnt notice. a lot of cute guys came in to my work but its always like that. okay i should stop talking about boys this makes me seem boycrazy. but i think me and [redacted] could actually date.

today was i dunno. i might relapse i just dont have the patience for life anymore. took a test today, definetely failed that. my professor let me borrow his pen which was